Sophmore Se7en

So its finals time. And here I am stressing again. In fact its really disturbing to me. I'm really curious to know where laid back me disappeared off to and who replaced this moody feeling out of place emotional twenty year old. *sigh

So now I sit here and reflect back on my freshman year and here's the run down of what went down:

I went to my dream college
I met the most amazing five girls a girl could ever meet and had the time of my life
but then reality caught up with me.....
I realized due to certain circumstances I couldn't stay at my dream college
I or should I say my birth family found me
I got my belly pierced
Denied the fact I had to leave until the very last day

and transfered back up here

Where I entered a friendship filled with paradoxes
One minute I couldn't be happier where there are other moments I am absolutely disgusted that I'm friends with this person
"who-shall-not-be-named"
Moved into the crappiest dorm of my life
Crushed on this one guy for the entire semester and have yet to muster up a smile
       *DISCLAIMER*

( I know I'm perfectly aware there are plenty of people out there who are like "OMG ur a muslima, no eyes down gaze away....etc. etc. But you know what excuse me for actually giving into my feelings once or twice and actually trying to do something about it. I only wanted a decent conversation with this guy, a wave would've left me happy.)

Took some of the crappiest courses which I'm praying to Allah on a daily basis to perform a miracle to get me out alive.
The reality of actually finding my birth family officially hit me and I realized I wasn't happy

So to conclude...

My freshman year taught me a lot. Its shown me what I want in life, how to get itt, and has seriously set me up with different goals for next year inshallah soooo..... here they are:


1. Better living accommodations with a better roommate! :D very excited
2. Courses that I'ma actually interested in
3. I will have one decent conversation with the "guy"
4. No more paradox friendships. I'm cutting some people out of my life
5. Schedule, schedule, schedule
6. Find my birth father
7. GO back to my dream college

There you go those are my Sophomore Se7en.

Wish me luck
xoxo

Not forgotten

Oh dear sweet blog, the vessel of my thoughts don't worry I haven't forgotten you. Not yet. This semester thankfully is almost over. Alot of cramming, red bull, and stressing will be going on but hey this is me we're talking about. I never expect anything better. Just off the phone with my sister. The sister that I just found out about 5 months ago. The sister that falls in line with the seven other siblings that I've learned about. Along with a mother I've never knew outside the womb. And millions of questions about a father who remains faceless. Sometimes I take a step outside my life and look for subtitles or a director yelling"CUT!" because honestly my life seems life something pulled out of a lifetime movie. Well I just wanted to let you guys know I'm still here, still navigating through this wonderful world. As my term comes to an end I hope this gives me more time to write. Writing is the purging of a soul. Purging sometimes can be good for you. Think of it as....a good colon cleansing.


lol


Night.

Egypt, revolutionaries of the future

This will be a short post, I want to dedicate this amount of time to the brave and defiant citizens of Egypt.....


I have never been more amazed, I truly wish that Mubarak stands down. After years living in CAiro for several years I think it is only just that its citizens demand and receive the rights that are lawfully theirs. How can one be a president when its own fellow men and women are suffering on a day to day basis from hunger,malnutrition, lack or employment and education. How could a president eat diner at night clearly in knowledge that his own people were starving nationwide. How could a president go to bed at night when there are so many unresolved issues that haven't been resolved. A leader is one who is from the people and represents the people. A leader is one who takes other peoples problems and burdens before his own. A leader is one who makes the ultimate sacrifice of his own pleasures and time in order to dedicate it full to his people. A leader is what is missing in todays society. Even leaders who I personally would believe would exceptionally rule because they are Muslim and there are several lessons about leadership that can be learned from our Prophet Muhammad( peace and blessings be upon him). However this example of exceptionally leadership is given a deaf ear and blind eye. There are no real leaders left in the world. The rich are corrupt and pay their way around laws and jurisdictions. The poor are burdened with he consequences of their actions. Yes, Allah (swt) created all people different and everyone is not given the same amount of wealth. However those who have the wealth have an extra responsibility to make sure the wealth is always used for something that is seen as golden in Allahs eyes. THis wasn't taking place in Egypt.  How can a government that receives almost 1.3 billon dollars from the American government have its citizens living in mud huts next to luxury apartments. THis madness has to stop. And thankfully it has. I really wish I could have been out there protesting with some of the most considerate and compassionate people I've ever met, the Egyptians. Inshallah I hope that Mubarak steps down soon and the Egyptian people can begin rebuilding their country to the way they see fit and deserve.


Here are a couple of pictures of the protesting from my old neighborhood in Cairo
 GO EGYPT!!!!!

2011---> Sushi,Snow, and Shopping

Salam Alaikum and hey everyone its been a while since my last post, it was "so 2010" lol. But, here I am new year, new university, and in a few months new age as well (THE BIG 20!! o_O!!)

So how did my new year start off? Well I moved into my new dorm at at my new university and hated it from first sight. It resembled something Chucky was raised in. So after stuffing my clothes in the inadequate space given and sinking into misery that I would have to pull out all my hijabs every morning before I get dressed, which would make me late because I need time to fix my coffee, which would leave me grouchy in class,which would lead to a decline in friends becasue I would have this expression on my face which is similar to misery....bottom line, disorganization of hijabs would lead to a decline in social life. Now do you see my dilema. So I sat on my bed watching reruns of The Game and sinking into a sea of misery....for about 15 minutes and then a friend of mine called and that was the ned of my "not so social" life in this new university. I spent what was supposed to be a good lunch a hookah time evolved into three days of being snowed in with a bunch of crazy girls and an incredible time. So here's to Spring Semester 2011 and many more adventures to come :)

P.S I miss my girls back in Katzenbach but *wink you'll be seeing me sooner than you think!

Its finals time....

SO this is my brain right now six hours away from my Politcla Theory Final Paper Dealine...

DFHWEITOH%$#%$5434643^$#^I#$TH$#(%U$36534tGWERYT%Q#&^%IQOYRPEY%PQOY%


In translation: Thoroughly confused

On a better note, I met my sister Saturday!!!!!

The meeting was monumental. It was everything I dreamed of in the midst of my favorite city in the world (NYC!!) and the backdrop consisted of H&M and Macy's and the whole hustle and bustle of Christmas shoppers ad right there walking up to me is my sister :)

Awesome, awesome, awesomenessss!( i know not a word)
 well back to this paper ..................

New Year, New Leaves

The tenth day of this sacred month, Muharram is known as Aashoorah. It is one of the most important and blessed days of Allah in the Islaamic calendar. Some ulamaa (scholars) are of the opinion that before the fasts of Ramadhaan were made compulsory, the fast of the day of Aashoorah was compulsory upon the ummah. This is stated in a hadeeth reported by Aaishah radhiyallahu anha that the Holy Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam ordered the observance of the fast of Aashoorah. However, when the fast of Ramadhaan became compulsory, then whosoever wished, kept this fast and whosoever desired did not observe this fast. Bukhari Vol.1 Page 268

Inshallah tomorrow or oops I mean today in a few hours i will be fasting the last few days of Muharam. So I've decided to put my facebook on hold, ipod on mute, and Media Takeout away from my daily browsing history. And instead of wasting lengths of time watching old films and tv shows that remind me of the past when days were simpler, I'm going to focus on these finals so that my future is simpler as well. Wish me luck inshallah and Happy Fasting to everyone as well.

Its a Shame

Watch the First two videos below. What in the world is this world coming to. Seriously.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kx7XdHXp-lI

http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/videos/video.php?v=wshhJNcBTrLw2QJ2ewk8

Thats a shame.

Winter Wickedness and my boys Mike& Ike

So now that I've found some time I decided to upload some pictures!!!! Lol I love to take pictures my friends know me well :). SO of course I have Mike and Ike's because they are awesome study snacks just make sure to brush your teeth afterward :) AS for the outfits, my university held a "MSA's Next Top Model" last week so these were my two outfits. The teal top has the cutest bow in the back and even though the back is open you can top it with anything underneath so its all good. Its "hijabi friendly" because it comes down to the knees and fashionista friendly because you can literally layer it with anything. The heels were rocked with black skinny's and my favorite part is hands down the earrings!!!! I love how they go with the scarf and almost everything else in my kaleidescope wardrobe. As for my little black dress since I could do a non-hajabi outfit I did rock this mini with nothing else but the accessories but it can work with a hijab as well. At a later event I threw on the top as well which has a really nice lacework going on in the back and my black skinnys and and my favorite Tahari heels. Accesories props to Forever 21. They have good stuff which is usually the same stuff you find in Express but at a way better price( even though I am an Express junkie as well. And there you have it I hope to be able to do more fashion post like these soon :)

xoxox0

I did it!!!!! and a whole lot of other things :)

Yay! So I got my belly piercing Wednesday and it looks awesome :) It was hilarious to have my five other girls crammed into the tiny piercing room all finding hilarious ways to get my mind off of what was about to happen. Did it hurt.Well it was a pinch but I totally recommend it for anyone just make sure you go to an incredibly sterile place and make sure they have the proper qualifications. So the first semester is wrapping up and I've done a lot. My perspective of so many things have changed and as much I as I want to go to detail I have a final paper to get back to. But I wanted to keep you guys posted :)

xoxo

Eid Kareem and ENS (Empty Nest Syndrome)

Eid Kareem everyone!!!!!

Sorry so late but yours truly has been busy. Even now I'm avoiding my long awaited expos paper which is due in about hmmmmmm 7 hours. I don't know if the upcoming trip back home for Thanksgiving is distracting me or the other endless issues in my life I would love to solve before New Years. Oh and I could really use sleep. sleep I miss the stuff I really do. Anyways I'm just trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life. Which you all know is utterly impossible to figure out because you never will truly know what you want in life. The beautiful thing about being a human and not the other endless things you could have been( like a pencil, wouldn't that just be sad) is that you have the choice to to choose your own path in life. Its just that nagging feeling inside that makes you question whether or not your making the right choices.

Well...... my parents "lets get you engaged"itch has became a full on rash.

Mom: So....has anyone caught your eye

Me: No my eye was never lost

Mom: Laila!!!*(fake name because well I'm not ready to truly identify myself) Come on there is some much of a variety where you are

Me: Are we talking about guys or fruit oooo!!! or Hagen Daz flavors because they are truly lacking coffee flavor here and I absolute..

Mom: Laila, Laila wouldn't you rather be engaged so you have something to look forward to?

So what is there to look forward to? The Great lost of virginity? Or walking across the stage with my degree and a job on the back burner. Seriously I don't see what the fuss is about. I don't know maybe this is part of the empty nest syndrome and theses are the symptoms. Who knows probably after Thanksgiving they won't want me to come back. sigh. Parents

xoxoxoxo

Memories

So today I met this guy who went to the exact same school as I in Egypt and we never met each other. Amazing all theses years later (with the aid of facebook) I've met someone who I probably never gave a second glance at during middle school. Amazing and scary how small this world truly is. Wow. Well I've decided to get my belly pierced this weekend. The idea is there solid in my head and I'm going to get it done. That it. I mean I'm looking at it from this perspective. No one is going to see it (only Allah i know). But generally the only person who will see it eventually is my potential husband. So its decided. My belly will be pierced by this time next week. I mean you never know what is around the corner. Last week I was this only child dealing with the aftermath of a cold and trying to figure out what kind of camera I wanted. A week later I am a biological daughter to a woman who tells me she loves me after the end of every phone call. Sadly I cannot whole heartily return the saying because I haven't reached that point yet. I can't tell my biological mother that i love her. I mean I don't hate her, I have a mutual respect for because bottom line is she is my mother. But I love my mommy. The woman who is always reminding me to pray and remember Allah. The one who would rub my back whenever I didn't feel well. The one who I ran out with in the middle of the night in Cairo to buy a big fat gigantic cake because she though it looked good. The one who always tells me to be cautious about my Facebook pictures even though I try to ignore her but she's right. The one who held me tight on my graduation and brought me a purple orchid corsage( my favorite flower and color). The woman who I wish I could end up half as amazing. Yep that the mother I love. My mom. My mommy.

xoxoxo

P.S

So who saw Nicki Menaji's new video "Right Thru Me". Frankly I can't stand the @($@$( but the guy in the video.....................xoxox

I don't know.

I have no idea how to feel. Last week I went to sleep an only child. I go to bed this morning as the second eldest of eight siblings. I have a brother that is three years old. I have seven other individuals that are going to look up to me. Seven individuals who might want to model their lives after me ( I don't mean this in a vain way I'm talking hypothetically). I can't afford to make anymore mistakes or live life carelessly. I have brothers and sisters out there. I'm in shock. I'm grateful for everything I have and I want more. I want to be successful. Before I don't know I never thought about my existence actually impacting someones life but now I don't know. I'm in so much shock. Wow Allah works in mysterious ways. I was the only child to be adopted and mashallah the only muslim as well. Allah has a plan for me. There is a reason for everything. So I'm taking a pledge to be a better muslim inshallah. I want to become closer to Rabinah because this has just been the biggest miracle in my life and proof that Allah truly looks out for you. I'm at a place I don't know. I'm in shock. I'm numb. I'm scared. I'm hopeful. I'm emotional. I'm stuck. I'm amazed. i'm alive. Alive. Alive. I've lived. I've survived. I will make it.

Today

Today a prayer was answered.

Possibly.

Today, I was blessed to learn that I am a younger and older sister.

I might have sisters.

And my biological mother.

Is alive.

Al- Humdililah.

Please look at my intellect not my ass. Thank You.

So I had to take this Women's Empowerment course this semester. First thought. Crap. I don't want to take this. I really didn't. I mean I've never been the whole feminist empowerment lets go hit those men over the head type. There are certain issues like education and the role of women in the job force that I have several strong opinions about but overall I'm fine. A guy is more than welcome to pay the bill. Yes he may buy me everything that glitters and put in me in a decent house. Thats not greed. Its common sense. Anyways over the past few weeks that class I once considered silly has slowly crept up on me and *sigh its grown on me. I actually *GASP* enjoy the class. I think what has happen is that the message of what feminism is, is changing. No its not about burning your bras and letting your underarm hair grow ( but if that is your thing then go right ahead). No its about demanding and having respect from society while at the same time being you, a woman.

So the other day we watched "Telephone" by Lady Gaga

WTH

WTF

WITW (What in the world)

I mean seriously. This is the women that practically half or our nations adolescents look up to. A crazy woman in raw meat outfits parading around in the "Pussy Wagon". What kind of message does this get out into the world? I'm not some sort of prude believe me far from it but seriously are there are still artists out there who can give the public their does of sexy yet have a message at the same time. Look at Rihanna. Her song with Emmenim "Love the Way you Lie" Brilliant. First of all Megan Fox is in the video and she's hot. No joke. She is, its like a fact whether your male or female your can't deny she does posses the hot factor. Anyways Rihanna got the message ac cross while at the same time showing off her awesome legs for all of those people who couldn't live without seeing that sexy side of her. Overall I think her stuff is pretty good and at the same time she manages to retain some of her dignity. Lady Gaga on the other hand I don't get. I mena WHAT MESSAGE IS SHE GETTING OUT INTO THE WORLD!!!I mean I understand she has stood up for the LGBT community and I respect her for that. But other than that what has she really done? This woman is financially solid. What charities has she donated to? Why isn't she working for the United Nations Ambassador coalition? Why isn't she using her platform of influence and power in the world for a broader cause? In fact what is the point of Lady Gaga being present in the pop music world because as we all have seen from Willow Smith a ten year old could do this. I don't know. Lady Gaga pisses me off. period.

On to another topic....

Ishmael Khaldi

He is a IDF solider and basically spoke at a university nearby to me. He claims that Israel's military notions are for a better Israel and Palestine. As a Baudouin Muslim AND solider in the Israeli army her is a "reformed Muslim"

Give me a fucking break.

Reformed Muslim my ass, please excuse my Arabic.The Israeli government has no interest in seeing an independently run ARAB Palestinian state. They have tried to pass a referendum to force at least 20% of the ARAB population residing or should I say captive in Israel to swear sovereignty to Israel and recognize it as a Jewish state. Its a Zionist state and of course Zionist run the world.Get used to it. Anyways it just infuriates me how this government can get away with stealing people homes and separating them from their own families. The crap going on in Iraq and the United States reason for invading is nothing compared to the genocide, yes I said genocide occurring in Palestine. It is a genocide when you cluster people in areas and deny them access to export and import goods. Its genocide when you steal their land, their sovereignty and then cry murder when Hamas retaliates. I'm am no supporter of terrorism don't get me wrong. I fully believe in fact that Bin Laden isn't a true Muslim and he is going to hell. Right along with Israeli politicians who have tried to eradicated Palestinians. Along with Bush who set up this country for decades of debt and woe for this stupid war in Iraq. I support my troops but this ha been carried on for way too long. Anyways this soldiers presence angered me and here I had to blab out on my blog. From feminism to politics. You never know what to expect with me. xoxoxo

Short and sweeter...

Allah is testing me right now. Inshallah I hope all my issues work out. Instead of worrying about what the future holds I'm going to go shopping tomorrow, after I've finished 3 of my papers, to look for an awesome outfit to go the this charity hookah lounge event on Wednesday which I will still go to without skipping class because its just hookah. Not a grade. But And I am going to enjoy it and forget about the future. I need to live it out now.

My lemonade is a little sour right now

So I'm currently experiencing the "college bum out phase". Its a period you go through where you sit down and think "How the hell did I get here oh and everyone is so much smarter than me".Side effects also include random crying sessions and the ice cream at the dinning hall becomes magically becomes the next best thing to coffee Hagen Daz. So I had to drop a math course. Failed the midterm and it was the worst grade I've ever made in my life. Literally. Not trying to sound like I'm a genius or anything but I've never done that bad. So I hop on the campus bus and mentality vow not to cry so I start listening to "Lemonade-Gucci Mane' because well that song is just stupid.period. Well the not cry thing last until I get off the bus and I walk down the main path through our campus bawling( glancing down at my phone pretending to text though whenever people pass by, I don't do public outbursts.) It also happened to be the day when my side of the hall was experiencing a "WE ALL ARE FREAKING HAPPY DAY". So I had to escape to my room and do the ugly cry. That including frantically cleaning my room because I clean when I'm upset.and organize my scarves :). Basically by the end of the day I've realized that first I didn't need the math course and my umi (who is the bomb) reassured me that it would better to drop the course than fail and really butcher my GPA. So here I am. Still bummed though. I miss kindergarten. All you had to do was play nice and eat a cookie. Life.

xoxox.....................

Spazzed out on a stalker, 7-12 page Political Theory Essay but I just stare at the screen......#%%#$^%$#!!!

MEN

You probably won't meet a real one until you hit thirty.But by then they've already spent a whole lifetime perving after other women so what's the point. Sorry but today will be a negative post. An extremely negative post.

What is women ran the world?No I mean seriously not that bullshit with Wonder Woman wearing an outfit two sizes too small or sitting around singing "Girl Power" crap because personally I can't stand that stuff.(I dropped out of Girls Scouts if thats no surprise). What if Saudi was ruled by a queen? Would she sit around and let everyone in the world rob her of her riches or hold it as collateral until she got what she wanted. What if the guys at my college had to take "Men's Leadership" classes instead. Would the class teach them respect,dignity, and honor or would another jackass stand up there and talk about last weeks football game. What if Charlie Brown had been a girl?Well it would have taken over 40 years to kick the damm football. What if it was Alpha "female" instead of alpha male. Wait what does that even mean anyways? The king of fools? Or the fool is a king?

So a few days ago I had to cuss out this erratic Jordanian stalker guy who felt it was his birthright to follow a friend of mine around and pursue after her as if she was the last piece of meat on Earth. The piss taking fact is that as I stood there screaming chaotically at this complete waste of space (yes I said it and yes I meant it), you have these men who could knock me down with a sneeze watching me act like a complete lunatic. Oh yes I despise men. I despise them down to their screwed up chromosomes because at the end of the day they surprise you with conversations you'd never thought you have again( an old friend of mine had a complete convo with me a few days ago and it was relieving that yes, he's grown up, my work is done).

Its kind of crazy. We're living in a world with this big 'ol love/hate dynamic thing going on. If only I stopped meeting all the ones I hate.

Short and Sweet

Had a busy night so very short post.Check out this artist "Feroz". Really good and original sound.

I told someone I didn't wan to wear white to my wedding,*gasp was the answer

So I don't know why but a little idea has been running in my head for a while. The idea consists of twelve hour flight accompanied by endless trips to the governmental building to renew a student visa and paying tuition at The American University of Cairo and managing the finances of a flat while remaining um tempted to throw a flat party because well no one is there to tell you not to.Yep.I'm thinking about moving back to Egypt. Don't get me wrong I love it here.Really I'm enjoying college and so far everything is working out the way at least I think Allah wants it.Its just something is missing.It been missing for a while.My freedom.I remember days when I could leave the house and venture out to the souk behind our apartment building and stroll the streets watching the locals go about their daily routines. I remember my last day in Cairo how I purposely got on a random bus and got lost just to enjoy that feeling of I don't know being apart of a bigger dynamic in the world. I hearing the ahdan sooooooo much wallahi.Wow it is the most beautiful thing to wake up for fagr with 5 different mosques surrounding your apartment building calling the ahdan at different pitches at different times which are only about a second off. Ramadan is nothing like here.Over there you don't just go through Ramadan you LIVE Ramadan.Also once you get over the whole pollution and other random crap we Westerners overemphasize about because we're just that dam spoiled, you might be blessed with the view of the pyramids right from your balcony window. Or waking up at 2 AM and hearing shouts of awe from all of the people in your building because its beginning to rain(which happens like once or twice a year lol) and the minute you open the balcony door and step out on the cold concrete a bolt of diamond white lightning streaks the pitch blue sky in front of you and you stand looking in awe half out of fear and amazement. I feel bad I haven't had these moments here in my own country of USA.I mean I will always love NYC(lol another clue towards my location :).I don't just love this city I fucking obsess about it. This place always sends this rush of excitement whenever I'm walking through the African Marts on 116th of gazing up at the powerful yet intimidating buildings down near Wall Street. When I was a little girl I wanted to be the princess of New York City, and no not in that vain Gossip Girl way no I wanted to be powerful enough one day to share the love this city has brought to me back to its people. If falling in love was is powerful as it has been with theses places then it is unimaginable what this heart can handle. So we'll see. I'll fill out an application today. I'll also fill out on for NYU AD. Allah has guided me well so far, I'm always anticipating what is next.
xoxoxo

Playlist of Life

Whoa two posts in two days lucky me :) Well yesterday I'm eating dinner with my girls and suddenly "Sk8ter Boi" by Avril Lavinge comes on and we all give each other theses looks like "AHH I remember this song!!" I remember this song when I was at that awkward stage where I could no longer play with the boys and words like"period",PMS, period,hijab(even though it took me a while to completely cover),and just the terrible thirteens or twelves rolled through my life. But yes I remember this song. So here is my current playlist of life, what is rolling around in my ipod......

1. Pursuit of Happiness- Kid Cudi

Ok I'm sorry whoever this offends but this is my straight up shisha song. And my rainy day song I love the tone and everything.It just reminds me of that fuzzy area throughout senior year in high school when I realized this is it I'm off to bigger.harder, and inshallah better things :)

2.Teenage Dream-Katy Perry

I >

3. Down on Me- Jerimih ft 50 cent

LOL this song cracks me up because a good friend of mine that I've met here at uni and I guess learning first that she's lived in Saudi for the past three years I would have never imagined she would know music like this. But you can't judge a girl by her zip code ;) This reminds all of the awesome things I've done her so far at uni and the more to come :)

4. Again- Bruno Mars and Natasha Bedingfield

This song is beautiful. It is unique(finally) and it brings tears to my eyes. This song reminds me of all the things I've wanted to say to people(the good things) and just never did.If I could I would do it again.

5.Ah we Nous- Nancy Agram

Ok so this reminds me of Egypt straight up, yes I lived there a while and wow "mafeesh haga teegi kida ida habibi kida?" :) I love it there.

6. Apologize- One Republic

And this one reminds me of all the apologies I meant to give but never did. This song also reminds me to never live with regrets. Do and say what you can today because tomorrow is never promised. ie------> THIS BLOG!

7.Only Girl in the World-Rihanna

Finally this girl comes out with something that wont depress us anymore :) This song is my life right now. More to come later........

8. About a Girl-Sugagbabes

this song reminds me of the first time I scored a goal for my football(soccer) team in middle school. Even though it came out years later this is the feeling I get when I listen to it,awesomeness...

ahh my friend is here for our weekly meet up, she's a pre-med so her time is very limited :( until next time xoxoxoxoxoxo